Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
