I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
