Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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