the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
