apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
