FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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