So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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