This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
