I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
