I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
