Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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