you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
