i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
