Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
