my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
