The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
