I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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