got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
