I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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