At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
