Who did Billy Mays play for?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
