i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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