Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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