Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
