I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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