How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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