I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
