I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
