No awkward lesbian experiences without me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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