She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
