Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize