I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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