Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
