yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
