im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
