I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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