I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
