just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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