Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
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