it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
