my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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