I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
