I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize