How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
