The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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