my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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