i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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