Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
