You're so nebulous sometimes
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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