Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
