i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
