There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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