Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
