My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
