dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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