i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
